gloomy monday

i actually have a lot to write before i logged into this page. but when the page appears in front of me, i became speechless. as in not literally, but mentally speechless.

i have already drafted out the whole blog post when i was still lying on the bed a few mins back...

but it seems to me that i can never do something systematically. i am forever the impromptu type of person.


while lying sleeping in just now, i was thinking back into my life.

den i realised, i wasnt that happy of a kid at all.

our family is not the well to do type, dun even need to say rich. we're constantly in debts, be it the utilities or the house mortgage, or the misc fees, or even the telephone lines. i used to be on standby, as in you dunno when ur house will be totally electricity-less and water-less.

i live in constant fear. my dad will always turn crazy and super irritating when he comes home drank when i was small. and at that time, there was nothing i could do. i either sleep or cry.

i have an equally crazy brother, forever in trouble and not loving himself at all. led astray by all his hooligan friends.

In my childhood memory, i can only rmb that my mum was always there for me. most of the time, my dad and bro are always not there. my dad is always out with another woman and my bro is in and out of prison.

but during my upper pri school after my ah ma and ah gong passed away, things changed.

slowly, my parents are divorced, my bro still constantly in and out of prison,but most of the time inside...

i felt happy. i am happy with only me and my mum.

i had peaceful nights. i wished that this will go on...

but of cos reality isn't always like the picture we painted.

i have people splashing paint over out door, ppl knocking and threatening us, all these became so common that i have became immuned to it.

we were forced to move house... i did not know how my mum survived through all this, and still having to support me throughout that period.

i was happy for a moment. until my bro and my father creeped back into my life.

i am sad to say, but they are kind of uninvited in my supposedly happy life.

i do not blame my family for not being rich, but i do blame them for not giving me a happy family.

i see no reason for someone to live unhappily in a family.

i have an almost useless dad, who bumps into our house, after divorced from my mum, and just stayed like tat. you'll still need to pay rent even if staying in a hotel.

he only pays half of the utilities bills. WTF. and that is after i chased after him for a month before he will hand over the previous mth's money to me.

i have an equally not that useful bro. he is constantly blaming people that we brought him to where he is today. he is constantly blaming and angry at my mum and dad which i dunno why. he is the one who brought things upon himself, no one is to blame.

he just slacks around and do nothing. even if he does, its all illegal stuff. i hate this side of him.

if he want, just blame himself for not being able to stand up on his own. its his own choice and no one can help him.

he still hasn't understand the fact that he has a son to take care of, and he just relies on my mum. look, my mum is sick and has no source of income, but yet, she is always paying for anders' milk.

sometimes, i felt so useless, like i cant help my family. ok, i admit, sometimes, i just turn a blind eye to everything that is happening cos i know i cant be of much effect.

sometimes, i wonder what is my existence in this world for? to endure all the shit that my family has to bring upon me?

sometimes, i just wanna fly off and leave everything behind. ok, i will bring alone my mum n anders cos they are innocent to some extent.

ppl will always think that how come i've got no money and yet i have to travel so much.

i guess the trips are the only things that can keep me sane in this crazy world.

i am constantly looking for a chance to escape from my own life.

only when i am away from singapore, i feel that i am lifted from all burdens, even so for only a few days.

i hate myself for spending money on travel too, but i felt i have to do that.

i can't stand living in a family like this.

i can smile and laugh outside, but who knows who i am when i'm at home?

i have a school loan that i've yet to repay and now i have to get another loan, and now i can't even get a guarantor.

yes. sometimes, life is unfair. and god, u are real unfair to me.